Words are magic.

As I navigate the murky waters that is being the parent of a toddler, I think of this line often:

Words matter.

A simple sentence that we all know and abide by, right?

Yeah, we’re not great at this. The power of words is vastly undervalued by society.

We act as though they have no meaning without action, when words are what spark the action. Conversely, they can also halt us in our tracks, before we even kick off the starting line.

You aren't creative. You aren't good enough. They're going to laugh at you. Nobody wants to listen to you talk. Why would you do that?

We give these thoughts power when we accept they are real. If your mind & emotions are a tranquil pond, these thoughts are like tossing a boulder into the pond. The waves cascade out, disturbing everything. We lash out at coworkers & partners, we self-sabotage, & we allow others to take advantage of us. All because our mind crafted a narrative to protect us, trying to save us from harm’s way.

It does a pretty bad job at this - I don’t think it’s well adapted for the modern world.

Worse yet, this behaviour can drive addictions.

I never identified as someone with a substance problem. I don't drink or smoke often, and besides, I could stop any time I want to... right? However, I realized that I viewed substances as a panacea. A cure-all. If things got hard or stressful, a beer could solve it. A gummy would relax me. A joint with friends would be just what the doctor ordered!

Here's the rub:

• Your child demanding food then flinging the plate across the kitchen, is not why you craved that beer.

• My boss piling another project on to me is not why I drank a half-dozen cocktails.

• A partner cheating on us is not what made us go on a two-day bender.

• A death of a loved one is not why we try to numb our senses.

These events trigger our emotional response, stirring something within us. They make us feel anger, self-doubt, insecurity, sadness & frustration.

Then, like a runaway train, our mind brings words to the forefront.

I just need a beer. All I need is to vent with a few cocktails. I can't be sober for another minute. I just need something to take the edge off. I need to escape.

I'm guilty of all of these and more. Research and an abundance of introspection have led me to a mind-bending conclusion:

We have thoughts, emotions, reactions and awareness. The first three are out of our control - they bubble up whether we like them or not. Awareness is all we have.

I’ve smoked weed since I was 14, on and off. However, by the time October ‘22 rolled around, it had been a couple years without THC. I’d become a master of willpower. Around Halloween, a pile of battles, problems & stress entered my life with the passing of my dad. I had also just started a new career, and had a temperamental nine-month old at home. We had gone from two high-income jobs, one mediocre.

Debt piled up with no reprieve, and led to 90-days of spiraling.

Feelings of inadequacy, inability to think objectively, emotional outbursts, little success with coping - all in all, Not A Good Time™. I had a nightly ritual of sparking a joint, seeking to numb everything. When the clock struck 20:00, peace & happiness could begin. Looking back on it, I had no awareness... I wasn't even aware that I was unaware!

I told myself I couldn’t handle these problems. They were just too big, too many threads pulling at me. The solution, I reasoned, was to struggle by day and detach by night. I could not have been more wrong, and this habit only made things worse - it delayed the inevitable.

I gave my thoughts, emotions & reactions immense power by believing they were true. I didn’t examine them and determine whether they were valid or not. Instead, I gave them solid form via the words I described them with. For an analyst, this was remarkably naïve and it took many months to unravel.

Enough about sadness, what about fun!? We love to tie the use of substances to this word. We’ve accepted that intoxication and fun are synonymous, and we repeat this mantra ad nauseam.

You’re no fun, have a drink! Wine makes everything more fun. I worked really hard, now I deserve to have some fun (with a drink).

Our words convince us that we need some social lubricant to have fun. They convince us that substances will help us cope with our problems. In reality, substances tend to inhibit us from processing our emotions properly. Listen, I’m not a monk - have a beer. We need to be mindful, however, of how our words shape our reality, and how substances can affect this.

Our words reinforce the message that these things are needed, & they are helpful. Whether or not that is actually true, stops mattering after awhile.

Surrendering Control

We’ve all experienced intrusive thoughts, so it might feel intuitive that thoughts are out of our control. We don’t action every single one we have… which naturally means we aren’t in control of them.

Emotions and reactions are no different. They are a visceral response to a stimulus - not something we chose, nor are they something we necessarily want. The key to moving beyond the grip of our thoughts, emotions and reactions is simply becoming aware.

The first time I became aware of what drifted across my mind, I was able to see that these thoughts and feelings are something separate from me. They aren’t objective facts, or even grounded in reality - they are fabrications of the mind. In fact, I think of them more like suggestions, pre-programmed responses that might be useful, or not. As we try to wrangle these abstract concepts, we attach words to them. This is the most human form of control—if I can define it, I can control it.

The thing is, most things are out of our control. Awareness helps us see the futility of trying to hold onto everything—like grabbing water in your bare hands.

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and unfriendly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.

Marcus Aurelius

There are a million things that will happen that we cannot change. Some minor, like a person cutting us off on the highway, or butting ahead in a line. Others major, like the death of a loved one or the closing of the company you’ve committed your career to.

By surrendering to the nature of the universe and of ourselves, we become a present observer. It allows us to watch our thoughts, emotions and reactions bubble up, without trying to change them or define them. We accept them for what they are, and we have the space to examine why they came in the first place.

This puts a cap on negative self-talk, by telling our mind that it doesn’t get to run the ship.

My toddler has put me on a speed-run to master this skill, and the journey has been nothing short of illuminating. Why am I frustrated by his refusal to eat the Michelin-star meal I made him? The emotional mind says he’s ungrateful and doesn’t know better—he should just listen, he needs to eat! Pushed to an extreme, the mind attaches more words to this—I need a drink.

Surrendering is realizing that these thoughts are rooted in fear—my son will be frail if he doesn’t eat, he might be hospitalized! Is that the most likely outcome though? How many meals has he actually skipped? Maybe he’s just more interested in his cars. We’ll try again later.

By surrendering our need to control, we’re able to to see things clearly. We’re able to feel & be truly present. It’s a beautiful thing, when you finally shrug off the mountainous weight of the things you were desperately trying to control.

I’ve not mastered this, but it’s at the top of mind every single day.

Incredibly simple—just not always easy.